SELF ANALYSIS
by ellisonbabe
Summary: Based around The Switchman. Blair asked Jim to keep a journal.


Okay.

Where do I start?

That's a stupid question. At the start. Right, yeah, precisely where was that?

Oh God I don't know. The first time I screwed up or the many times after?

I've not been keeping track. Yes I know I should. But how can I tell if it was me doing the screwing or my senses? Crap. I can't put that Sandburg will think I've been, how did he put it, Oh yeah "extra sensitive, touchy, feely" again. Boy that kid doesn't stop Does he? Jumps right in there. All 5 - 8 of him and then some. I should have busted his ass back at the university. Damn. I can't write that.

Sandburg when you read this you asked me to write down my thoughts and feelings about this thing that's happening to me okay so I am. I've got to deal with it. So have you. You might as well know now that I can get a bit cranky now and again. Just ask anyone. I'm not going to make excuses. I'm a hard nosed S.o.B at times. I don't do weakness or hesitation. I hate distractions. I function better on my own. Its nobody's fault. I choose this path. Right from going in the Rangers. You're taught to be self reliant and I took it ten steps further. Over reaction? Yeah I tend to jump right in there with both feet. Guess that's one thing we have in common?

This is hard. I don't do feelings. God this is full of things I don't do. What the hell do I do?

Apart from my job?

* * *

Today you asked me how this was going. I said okay. I lied.

* * *

God Dammit. Why me. What the hell did I do to deserve this? I've had it with all this crap. HAD IT!

I'm supposed to be lead detective on this damn case. How can I do my job when all I can hear is this shit in my head? It's driving me mad. Insane. Demented. Cuckoo. Two fries short of a Happy Meal. Crackers. Nuts. Screwy. WACKO!

I could hear the petrol sloshing round the tanks in the garage. The inane chatter of the secretaries gossiping over who was doing who in the station –okay- I admit that was fairly interesting and NO I won't share... The desk sergeant yelling at some poor sap for not filling his t56 and P43 in right. Clocks ticking, pens scraping the paper, telephones ringing, keys being jangled chairs scraping, toilets flushing. Suspects being interviewed. God damn everything. Not separately neither. Oh no. All at once like some sort of stuck record on maximum volume. Flying round my head. No way out. No let up. No silence. All I want is silence. It's not too much too ask is it? Even now in my own home I can hear the guy down stairs telling his sweetheart how much he loves him. Him. Well shit. It's all too….. personal….. Too much… I shouldn't be listening to any of this crap. Not here or the station. I'm like some kind of human bugging device. I can't block it out. Will I ever be able too? I can't go around like this for ever. I need this to stop. I need to be 100 focused. Like I was before. I have a job to do. It's my life.

* * *

Simon thinks I've let the Switchman get in my head. If only he know WHAT was in my head. It would scare the hell out of him.

It is me.

I keep on trying to clear all the noises in my head down like you explained to me – you know the filter thing. It does actually work. I sound surprised don't I? I am. After the other day I thought I'd be in the loopy house by now. It takes some doing though, even a little distraction and I have to start again.

* * *

Today I actually felt in control. Not completely – but a darn sight better than I have since this all started. Thank you. This might actually work. Hell, I could even get to like you!

The noises have been there but it was nothing. It didn't take much to filter them out. Must be getting used to doing it. I know you can't be there all the time. So the Switchman's father was in my unit. He was one of the seven who died. That's why I get the mails- this is aimed at me. Damn there are some sick people out there. Why not just deal it out on me? Why kill innocent people?

* * *

Why the hell didn't you wait where I told you to?

What the hell were you thinking, getting on that bus?

You could have been killed!

What the hell was I thinking when I leapt off that bridge.

I had to stop her. There and then. More innocent people would have been killed – YOU –would have been killed.

I've already got 7 deaths on my conscience. I didn't want anymore.

I nearly screwed up. I panicked. I didn't think I could find the bomb. I did what you said but it was hard, too much background noise to get through, too much happening at once.

But I did it. You helped me save those people. If you hadn't have been there I wouldn't have been able to hear the bomb. The Switchman would have won. It's my job to see that people like her don't. You helped me do that.

Every Sentinel needs a Guide. I need you. I understand that now.

* * *

Hell for the last 2 years I've worked alone. I'll run it through Simon on Monday. How the hell I'm gonna explain this one to him I don't know. I can't get my head round this let alone explain it to someone else. Maybe we can wing it by telling him I'm a test subject on something or other. 'How to be a good detective'. Yeah right. I can just hear that one going down like lead shot.

If Simon agrees to this, you'll have to wise up to some stuff. It's a dangerous world out there.

Hell, like you haven't found that out already.

* * *

You'd better be on your best behaviour. I don't take kindly to having to lie to my Captain. If he finds out I've mislead him or if you screw up, both our asses will be on the line. Followed by me kicking yours around the block.

* * *


End file.
